Black Death (2011)

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Remember how I mentioned that trailer earlier for Black Death? Look down. No, not at you nads, look down the page. The screen. What you’re staring at. Ugh. Never mind. Click here for that post. Then also check this post for all the other details.

During the first outbreak of the bubonic plague, a monk is sent to a small town in England to figure out why they don’t seem to be suffering from the plague. As always happens in these situations, they send along a couple knights who get into fights. Which isn’t coincidental. If you send Robocop into the ghetto he’s going to kill at least forty minorities for minor infractions. Cause he’s Robocop. And I don’t mean he’ll kill entire minority groups. Rather, he will kill forty members of different minority groups. Cause he’s Robocop. He was designed by a corporation to kill.

Also, there’s some stuff in Black Death about witches n’ stuff.

The Scoop

Black Death is directed by Christopher Smith, who made Triangle and Severance. I don’t know how well Triangle did, but Severance made $136,000. I know that seems like a lot, but there were only three zeroes. You’d need at least two more for it to be even remotely successful. I know none of this seems to matter, but that’s all a Jedi mind trick. You will send me a check. For $136,000. Remember, it isn’t that much money. You would hardly be doing me a favor. It would almost inconvenience me to have to go to the bank and cash it.

I wonder if they’ll give me a bag with a dollar sign on it.

Trailer

Who’s It For?

Probably R, but you probably won’t see it in theaters, since it’s only getting a limited release, and will be on demand first, so if you’re underage, rejoice! You’ll be able to watch Black Death regardless of your age.

Pictures

Movie Release Date

February 4, 2011 on demand.
March 11, 2011 in theaters, limited release.

Who’s In It?

 David Warner … The Abbot
  Sean Bean … Ulric
  Eddie Redmayne … Osmund
  Carice van Houten … Langiva
  Kimberley Nixon … Averill
  Blayne Edwards¹ … Man in village
  Tim McInnerny … Hob
  Andy Nyman … Dalywag
  John Lynch … Wolfstan
  Johnny Harris … Mold
  Tygo Gernandt … Ivo
  Emun Elliott … Swire

Related Movies

Lord of the Rings, Season of the Witch, Percy Jackson and the Olympians.

What’s Good About It?

It’s frickin’ Boromir! I can’t wait to see this! How awesome would it be if was actually Boromir and he’s in the afterlife and has to escort some other hobbit/monk to the land of Mordor, only this time it’s a town with no bubonic plague? I smell Oscar.

What’s Bad About It?

It probably isn’t about Boromir in the afterlife, and you’ll all be disappointed because that idea sounds so much better than the actual description of Black Death. Man, I really screwed you guys, huh?

Our Clever Prediction

Obviously, it’s going to tank, which sucks cause I really like Sean Bean. I want to see him in a movie with Karl Urban. Wait, that was Lord of the Rings. Damn. That movie had EVERYTHING. If only it had had Magneto.

WAIT!!!

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Brian brings to the site 4 years of online journalism, and attitude. Brian has probably offended you in his movie previews, and for that he won’t apologize. Ladies, Brian is in a committed relationship with a woman who, thankfully, doesn’t read Starseeker. It is this reluctance to read his work that keeps their relationship going. God bless America.