Vampires Suck (2010)


A top contender for comedy of the year, Vampires Suck is the latest spoof brought to you by the visionary writer/director team of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. This time, they’re taking on the latest trend of vampire movies. It is so ripe for parody!

Primarily focusing on Twilight, Vampires Suck (I get it, like they suck blood, but also suck like they’re not good!) will keep the brow especially high with high jinks including turning a girl’s face into a hamburger, shooting Alice before she even gets to the Wonderland, and eating Chinese food, only it’s a Chinese guy, cause they’re vampires. They eat people. You know, drink their blood. I figure if you’ve sought out a preview of this film you need things spelled out for you.


The Scoop

Rated third only to Hitler and Satan, the team of Friedberg and Seltzer have caused more suicides with their “comedy” than depression and homosexuality combined. You didn’t take that whole “top contender for comedy of the year” seriously, did you?

Who’s It For?

No one. You’re a jerk just for thinking about seeing this film. It’ll probably get the same rating as the rest of their films, which I assume is PG-13.

Movie Release Date

August 18, 2010.

Who’s In It?

Ken Jeong
Matt Lanter
Charlie Weber
Marcelle Baer… Hot girl
Chris Riggi

Interesting Fact

Vampires are real, True Blood is a documentary.

Related Movies

Disaster Movie, Scary Movie, [insert genre] Movie

What’s Good About It?

It does have Ken Jeong, who rocks on Community.

What’s Bad About It?

Outside of Jeong, everything. I guess it’ll be nice to know where all the kids on the short bus are on August 18, but seriously, Vampires Suck? Here’s my two word precognitive review, IT SUCKED.

Our Clever Prediction

I’d rather watch an actual Twilight film. In fact, I’d rather watch all the Twilight films, read the books, and have a 5 hour discussion on the dreaminess of Robert Pattinson than watch the trailer a second time. Seriously, if it didn’t embed correctly, too friggin bad.
Why are you reading this? Go read the Let me In preview. That might be good.

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Brian brings to the site 4 years of online journalism, and attitude. Brian has probably offended you in his movie previews, and for that he won't apologize. Ladies, Brian is in a committed relationship with a woman who, thankfully, doesn't read Starseeker. It is this reluctance to read his work that keeps their relationship going. God bless America.


  1. Wait, was it actually broken? I was just kidding.

    Oh, now I remember, it was kinda big.

    That’s what she said.

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