The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part One (2011)


Question: What is the greatest film about vampires who sparkle in the sun, go snorkeling, and have friends who are werewolves who instantly fall in love with their baby, who has telepathy and a fully formed intellect?

Answer: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn. But so you don’t crap yourself thinking about the awesomeness, this is only the first part of the final book in the Twilight series. And yes, I didn’t get anything wrong in that question.

In the next installment of Twilight, Bella Swan goes to the Caribbean with her super dreamy vampire love, Edward, gets knocked out during their first bout of lovemaking because he’s such an animal in the sack, but because she’s still hurting for a squirting, she asks for more. They get married, and she gets a pregnant. The baby, because it’s the baby of a vampire, has telepathy, and can talk to them. When the baby is ready to be born, Edward must cut the umbilical cord with his teeth.

How is this a wet dream for 13 year old girls? Every time I walk up to one of them and ask to bite their belly buttons I go to jail. Make up your minds.



The Scoop

Bill Condon will be directing the last two installments of the Twilight Saga. Rumors abound as to how the craziness of the book will be handled in the film, with my favorite being that the super baby will fully CGI. That’s how I’d do it. I love how the fans are rabid that they not change anything in the films. Like it’s Shakespeare and to modify the wording would ruin the integrity of the brilliant literature that Stephanie Meyer has produced.

I took a crap earlier. Lets talk about the integrity of my fecal release. Oooo, corn.

Who’s It For?

It’d be awesome if it was R. None of the fans could see it.

Movie Release Date

November 18, 2011.

Who’s In It?

Kristen Stewart … Bella Swan
Robert Pattinson … Edward Cullen
Taylor Lautner … Jacob Black
Jackson Rathbone … Jasper Hale
Ashley Greene … Alice Cullen
Anna Kendrick … Jessica Stanley
Nikki Reed … Rosalie Hale
Kellan Lutz … Emmett Cullen
Peter Facinelli … Dr. Carlisle Cullen

Interesting Fact

Werewolves are always falling in love with babies. That was the whole plot of The Wolfman. If you understood the subtext.

Related Movies

Twilight, Eclipse, New Moon, Blank Check (What? It was stupid and full of plot holes)

What’s Good About It?

Obviously, this is the greatest film series EVER. What isn’t to love?

What’s Bad About It?

I’m worried that they won’t respect the series by splitting the last book into two parts. This is just a cash grab. They just don’t understand that Edward is the most fully formed character in the history of writing stuff in booky form. You shutup. You’ve never understood me!

I think I’ve captured the fears of Twihards everywhere.

Our Clever Prediction

I’ll love it. For I am a thirteen year old girl.

On a side note, I’d heard of Twihards far before any of you. A girlfriend from a few years ago was always telling me to “twiharder” while we were doing it. “Twiharder, bwian, Twiharder.” She sounded like Tweetybird.

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Brian brings to the site 4 years of online journalism, and attitude. Brian has probably offended you in his movie previews, and for that he won't apologize. Ladies, Brian is in a committed relationship with a woman who, thankfully, doesn't read Starseeker. It is this reluctance to read his work that keeps their relationship going. God bless America.


  1. to start out, i LOVE ALL the books. i’ve read the twilight saga so many times i’ve lost count. and when i found out the first movie was coming out i was SOOOO excited. but when i fanally saw it was a dissapointment. the best parts of the book were cut out, the acting really sucked and the charictors were poorly chosen (except for Taylor Lautner, aka Jacob Black) and that was the case for the following 2 movies. so i realy hope they do better on Breaking Dawn.

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