Rubber, aka the GREATEST FILM EVER MADE, is about an evil tire. It almost stole my idea of an evil reTIREd dude, but my billion dollar franchise idea is still safe. Oh, and the greatest trailer of all time is inside. Seriously, I’ve watched it eighty times. Eighty. 80. I needed to pee around number 62, but I just kept holding it.
I couldn’t hold it after 73. So I wet myself. It wasn’t until number 80 that I finally cleaned myself up. People in this coffee shop sure moved away from me after 73. I wonder why?
Now, watche me read your mind. Hmm…. “Dude, what is Rubber all about?”
Well, dude, I’ll tell you. Rubber is about a tire that is sentient (alive). Oh, and it’s evil and has powers. Although that should probably have gone without saying as sentient tires are sorta powered already. It rolls by itself, and blows people’s heads up. Blows them up good.
I wrote a horror film called Rubber once. It was about the horror of a rubber not working correctly, and then I had to kill a girl. Worst. Thing. Ever. (yeah, I made a joke about killing a woman because I got her pregnant. That’s why there are those PSAs about not having sex with me. duh)
First, the best thing about this film is the tag line: “Are you TIRED of the expected?” How awesome is that?
I don’t know the other work of director Quentin Dupieux, but clearly the man rocks. ROCKS. Go down, watch the trailer, and then read the next sentence. ROCKS. I’ve never seen such rockingness. Rocktitude? Screw it. He just plain ol’ ROCKS.
Even better, the man who rocks not only directed the film, he also wrote it, acted as cinematographer, composed the music, and edited it. He’s like Robert Rodriguez, but fifty times more awesome and rockin’. I love him.
Who’s It For?
Every human being with a pulse. I have cousins with young children. I’m going to babysit them and say that we’re going to watch Toy Story or some crap, and then take them to Rubber. I want the world to see this sum’ bitch. Not just want. Demand.
Movie Release Date
On Demand on February 25, 2011. Out in theaters on April 1, 2011. April fool’s day. Hmmm….
Who’s In It?
Stephen Spinella … Lieutenant Chad
Jack Plotnick … Accountant
Wings Hauser … Man in wheelchair
Roxane Mesquida … Sheila
Ethan Cohn … Film buff Ethan
Charley Koontz … Film buff Charley
Daniel Quinn … Dad
Devin Brochu … Son
Hayley Holmes … Teenager Cindy
Haley Ramm … Teenager Fiona
Cecelia Antoinette … Black woman
David Bowe … M. Hughes
Remy Thorne … Zach
Tara Jean O’Brien … Cleaning lady
Thomas F. Duffy … Cop Xavier
Pete Di Cecco¹ … Cop Luke
James Parks … Cop Doug
Courtenay K. Taylor¹ … Cop Denise
Blake Robbins … Cop Eric
Michael Ross … Truck driver
Gaspard Augé … Hitchhiker
Pedro Winter … Tires burner
There is no relation to this film ever. Okay, maybe Hobo with a Shotgun, which may rock also. But not as hard as Rubber. And I guess the Grindhouse films are similar.
What’s Good About It?
Did you see the part about the Tire being evil and blowing people’s heads up? I hope it turns out the tire has complex emotions and motivations other than just being… TIRED of people always RIDING it. SNAPDRAGON!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What’s Bad About It?
I’m not going to put anything here. Except for that last sentence. And that one. And that one. And this one. And the one before last and this one.
Our Clever Prediction
Remember how Avatar made $2 billion dollars? Rubber will make $2 TRILLION. But that hardly matters. This film won’t be remembered for it’s box office numbers. It will be remembered for saving the world. Rubber will solve the economic crisis, and an era of unprecedented prosperity will wash over the world. Wars will end. There will be no more conflict. We will bow down before Rubber. We will know that it is a prophet for the one true God. Or maybe Gods. I haven’t seen the film yet. I don’t know what message or religious message it will send. I only know that I am open to it and will believe it no matter what my current beliefs are (I had a frog once, I still consider it a god, or at least demi-god).