Appaloosa was on my big screen last night, and I was so very eager to view the movie, that I insisted the wife watched it with me.
The Truth
Appaloosa started out strong, it kept my attention, only to have it disappear after 20 minutes. It was no coincidence my attention and interest in the film faded right after Renée Zellweger made her appearance. She kills the film immediately, with her unusual facial expression. I honestly thought she was playing the role of a mentally challenged individual, until I realized she was serious.
So you just accept the role of Renee as Allison French, a displaced whore who finds love with Ed Harris, almost immediately. Just accept this fact, trust me it makes the movie easier to deal with.
Back to the movie…. the wickedly awesome Viggo Mortensen plays Virgil’s right hand man, a deadly marshal who takes no shit from anyone.
Keep in mind that Virgil and Everett are two of the best gunslingers around when I take you through the rest of the film. As they lead a man to justice, he escapes, then the chase begins. Jeremy Irons plays Randall Bragg, an outlaw who has been convicted of killing the previous sheriff and his two deputies.
So what happens when the first, and only gun battle occurs? Both Virgil and Everett get fucking shot, and miss most of their targets. Some gunslingers, indeed.
Anyways, the rest of this shit movie consists of basically nothing at all. Uneventful chases, an encounter with rogue Indians that is solved by giving them a horse and laughable moments.
Viggo and Harris are great actos cast in a shitty movie script. Appaloosa reveals nothing important about the men, nor that classless whore Allison French.
To say the movie was predictable would be an understatement. You know exactly what is going to occur, which destroys the film from moments in.
The Action
Very little no none. Odd isn’t it?
The Laughs
Renée Zellweger’s face. She managed to hold this and other funny faces for the entire film.
Renée Zellweger's funny face
Someone forgot to tell the people in charge of makeup that Viggo’s face paint seemed to stop at the start of his forehead. No shit, he was white from the forehead up, tanned from the bottom down.
Why should I watch it?
You would watch Appaloosa if 3:10 To Yuma was already rented.
What’s bad about it?
Appaloosa was boring and had very little anticipation. There was no memorable end scene, very little drama and zero laughter. A good western should have a mix of action, laughs and gun fights. We want to gather around a lead character and cheer them on, with Appaloosa, I was rooting for everyone to die.
You’ll Like Appaloosa It If
If you turn off the movie after 20 minutes.
What I learned
Even a great actor like Viggo or Ed Harris cannot save shitty writing.
The Verdict
Appaloosa was far below expectations, one of the worst Western films I have ever watched.
