Lots of movie news today. Thank God. Yesterday sucked.

J. Edgar

Clint Eastwood’s J. Edgar has signed the best actor in Hollywood. No, not Leonardo DiCaprio. Well, technically he IS in the film, but he isn’t the best actor. Ed Westwick, from Gossip Girl, has been cast in the film, making J. Edgar the greatest film about an FBI dude EVER. Charlize Theron will apparently NOT be in the film, as she is a stupid face. She was supposed to be playing Helen Gandy, but she’ll be sucking donkey nuts instead (you heard it here first!). Amy Adams or Naomi Watts may be in the running for the role now.

Thor

You know how I know that Thor is a badass? The size of his… hammer. And his superhero grip on that sucker. Oh, and there’s a French poster for Thor up. Not bad. I kinda prefer the American one, but that’s because American posters aren’t a bunch of sissies who lose wars and have sex with my girlfriend while I’m asleep in the next room. You fraking bastards.

Welcome to People

Okay, get the news part of this out of the way first: Michelle Pfeiffer is going to be in Welcome to People. She’ll be playing Captain Kirk’s mom. Why did I post this? (I mean besides it’s movie news and that’s sorta my job.) Olivia Wilde is playing Kirk’s girlfriend. And that means I get to spend twenty minutes looking for hot pictures of her to post. It’s a grand Tuesday, isn’t it?

Spider-Man

In my continuing quest to bring you anything Spider-Man (or Olivia Wilde) related, C. Thomas Howell has been cast as a character named Ray in the upcoming Spider-Man reboot. I love how other movie sites are struggling to figure out what this mystery character’s part will be. Obviously, he’s the dude who molested Peter Parker as a child.

The Hobbit

Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit seems to be really getting underway, and a few casting rumors have now been confirmed. First, Andy Serkis WILL be returning as Gollum. I feel this is quite surprising. Who’da thunk that he would be willing to return? He’s such an in demand actor. Also, Sir Ian McKellan will be returning as Gandalf the Grey. Is it Grey or Gray? Nevermind. Finally, Frodo will once again be portrayed by Elijah Wood. That makes sense. He’s such an awesome force of nature. I just want to have sex with his feet.

No, you’re weird.

Sucker Punch

So there’s a new banner poster for Sucker Punch out. How is this film not just a masturbatory fantasy for 13 year olds (and 25 year olds) everywhere. Oh, right. It is a masturbatory fantasy.

The Great Gatsby

The Great Gatsby, starring Leonardo DiCaprio (not Ed Westwick, unfortunately) and Carey Mulligan (not Blake Lively, fortunately) is possibly going to be shot in 3D. Baz Luhrmann is going explode your eyeballs with DRAMA. Suck on that, eyes! I’ve actually been waiting for an Oscar bait film to be made in 3D, so that everyone can see that 3D is simply a spectacle that detracts from the experience, except when there are big blue people who dance around and rape flying horses. (they stick their junk into the bird’s junk to fly it)

I am looking forward to the awesome scene when Jay Gatsby chucks a tea saucer at the camera, and it looks like it’s coming right AT ME.

You know what would be freaky? A Bollywood film with 3D. All that trippy ass dancing and shit, but in 3D. Like the end of Slumdog Millionaire. But in 3D! Convert it, baby!

Oh, and check back later today for something crazy and new! It’s going to be soooo awesome. And it’s not even authorized! Like those biographies of musicians that are never very good cause they have no footage and only a few interviews with a dude who took a shit in the stall next to them n’ stuff.

But mine won’t suck and has nothing to do with poop. Well, MOSTLY nothing to do with poop.