Movie News for Spider-Man, Transformers, Pirates, and more!

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Bunch of pics, trailers, posters, and rating news? Craziness. Also, all the latest on the Jim Carrey hostage situation.

It turns out the US isn’t holding Jim Carrey hostage, that’s just lies perpetrated by a bunch of jackasses (Canadians). He actually escaped to bring the funny. So far we’ve given him a lot of time, money, and opportunity, and he’s only brought a little funny. NEVER TRUST A CANADIAN.

Rio

The upcoming animated feature Rio has a new trailer and poster. Looks amazing. Like the type of thing that Canada would never come up with. Look at the poster. Does it look to anyone else like the monkey really needs to pee? That’s how I stand when I have to pee. What? I have a cool ‘pee stance.’

Cowboys and Aliens

In my ongoing effort to provide you with any movie news concerning Olivia Wilde, there’s a new international poster for next summer’s Cowboys and Aliens. To contrast with the American version, this one shows more crotch. So the ‘international’ crowd it’s aiming for must be Canada, who are notorious for their crotch-loving. Also, their crotch-touching inappropriately. Seriously, Canada, leave it well enough alone. And by ‘it’ I mean my crotch.

Blue Valentine

Remember when I reported that the Weinstein company was fighting the NC-17 rating for Blue Valentine? (If you click the blue underlined stuff, you’ll see it. Ahhh. The internet. My grandma is right. It IS magic.) Well, it appears that they’ve won, and the film will now be rated R. No word yet if the Weinstein’s other film, The King’s Speech, has won it’s appeal against the R rating it received, but I’m pretty sure it didn’t. F-f-f-f-f-uck.

Pirates of the Caribbean

To tide you over until next Monday, when the Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides will be revealed, here are some production photos. All I have to say is that if there’s one thing hotter than Penelope Cruz dressed up like a pirate, it’s Penelope Cruz dressed up as a pirate while also wet. It’s making me wet just thinking about it.

Wait. I’m a dude. Shit. I just pissed myself. I’ve gotta stop drinking before noon on Thursdays. It’s not like it’s Tuesday. Balls.

Spider-Man

The first photo from the set of Spider-Man is up today, this one of Emma Stone with blonde hair while under an umbrella. Ooooo. Rain. So moody. I’m going to turn out the lights and turn ON my lava lamp. Then, when it’s nice and hot, I’m going to open that sumbitch up and drink it. Drink it good.

Transformers

I’m putting this last, cause it looks just amazing. That should be considered sarcasm. Anyways, there’s finally a trailer for Transformers: The Dark of the Moon. Watch it. Doesn’t it look stupid? Pretty, but stupid. Like all women. SNAP. Take that, women. Take it hard. Uh. I think I just sexually harassed a great portion of the population.

Wait. Never mind. Women can’t read. So don’t read this to any women, okay? Dudes?

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Brian brings to the site 4 years of online journalism, and attitude. Brian has probably offended you in his movie previews, and for that he won't apologize. Ladies, Brian is in a committed relationship with a woman who, thankfully, doesn't read Starseeker. It is this reluctance to read his work that keeps their relationship going. God bless America.

1 COMMENT

  1. Can’t wait for all the explosions in the new transformers movie… BOOM! BAM! BANG! Oh, and Emma Stone looks like a transvestite, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

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