Movie News For October 29, 2010


Another batch of super awesome news, as I sit in a cafe next to two women talking about their stupid kids having dry skin.

Actually, that’s not fair. Mr. Dicksmasher has dry skin on a most unfortunate body part. I won’t reveal the part explicitly, but I will say that it gets in the way of Armstrong’s primary duty. That of smashing.

It occurs to me that I’m not sure whether he smashes things with his dick (as previously believed) or if he smashes dicks (likely with his bum).

Alien Casting

As recently reported here on Starseeker, Noomi Rapace is Ridley Scott’s pick as the female lead in the upcoming Alien prequel currently being planned. Rapace has achieved fame having played The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo in the foreign version of the film. She’s also been cast in the next Sherlock Holmes film. The news today is that the studio has now brought in Olivia Wilde as another possible candidate to play Ripley 2.0 (note: not the name of the character, but it’ll probably be essentially the same role). Other possible candidates include Carey Mulligan, Abbie Cornish, and Natalie Portman. I really like Mulligan, but I don’t think she’ll pull off the toughness for the role, Cornish is a pretty low level name when compared to the others, and Portman, while smoking hot and kinda bitchy looking, probably won’t do the film (another note: Olivia Wilde is also hot and bitchy looking. I think they should have a bitch-off!). I’m pulling for Rapace. She’s probably weird. She’s foreign.

Universal’s Release Dates

Universal has revealed the release dates for their upcoming tent pole movies. The next Jason Bourne film, The Bourne Legacy, will be released on August 3, 2012. Larry Crowne, the Tom Hanks-directed film starring Hanks and Julia Roberts, will be released on July 1, 2011. Safe House, starring Denzel Washington and Ryan ‘I’m Canadian and therefore a HOMO’ Reynolds, will be released on February 10, 2012. Contraband, starring Mark Wahlberg and Kate Beckinsale, will be released on March 16, 2012. Oh, and Ouija will be released on November 9, 2012.

Spider-Man’s J. Jonah?

As recently reported in Dumbass McJagofferson’s post here, the upcoming reboot of Spider-Man is looking to cast their J. Jonah Jameson, and two names appear at present to be the frontrunners. Sam Elliot, who comic fans would know from Ang Lee’s Hulk as General Ross, and Mad Men’s Roger Sterling, who will only be known as Roger to me and never John Slattery. I could see either of them for the role, although I think Roger Sterling will be more capable of the comedic style that the role might call for. Still, just keep J.K. Simmons. One thing McJagofferson got right is that Simmons was awesome and should continue to play the role. He nailed it.

Mission Impossible (4)

The next Mission Impossible film will be titled (or possibly subtitled) Ghost Protocol. I’m not sure if they’re going to go with Mission: Impossible: Ghost Protocol, or just Ghost Protocol. Also, Tom Cruise said in a quote, found here, that he doesn’t feel the film is a sequel, as none of the Mission Impossible films have been sequels. My brain hurts. I guess his argument is that each film is it’s own film. Kinda like how most of the James Bond films are really just another adventure of James Bond, and very few really reference previous films (minus the last two, which were directly related). I think we can all agree on one thing. This is not really important.

Also, isn’t it Mission: Impossible? So wouldn’t it be Mission: Impossible: Ghost Protocol?

Paris, You’re Dead Motherf…

Remember Paris, Je T’aime? It was a film about jerkoff directors telling ministories about how much they love Paris. Which is somewhere in Germany (circa 1942, SNAP! I just burned France for being sissies and losing to the Germans in a hard fought, twelve second battle where the Germans didn’t even realize they were being opposed. Any country with a strong French influence, like, say, CANADA, is made up of a bunch of sissy girly men. Armstrong -1, Closet Homo -also 1. Did I just refer to myself as a closet homo? Armstrong -2, Fan of Lance Bass -1)

Anyways, the new film is called Paris, I’ll Kill You. It’s the horror film equivalent of Paris, Je T’aime. A bunch of horror film directors will come on board and make short films based around the dark side of Paris. This is only worthwhile news because Vincent Natali, who directed Splice, will be making one of the short films. Great news for all those who like watching Adrien Brody have sex with an adopted mutant daughter, right before it rapes it’s adopted mother. Oh, spoiler.

To explain the picture, this is what came up on the first page of Google’s Image search when I typed in ‘Awesome News.’ I don’t know what the cat did, but it is clearly awesome.

And to clear this up, since you’ve all been holding your breath since the beginning of this post, the two ladies have decided that the dry skin isn’t that bad, but they have further agreed that there is a big jump in difficulty between 2nd and 3rd grade. I wonder if I should mention that there isn’t a difference, but rather that their kid’s are just stupid, and peaked in second grade. It’s all downhill from here, ladies!

Man, this post took forever. You’re welcome.

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Brian brings to the site 4 years of online journalism, and attitude. Brian has probably offended you in his movie previews, and for that he won't apologize. Ladies, Brian is in a committed relationship with a woman who, thankfully, doesn't read Starseeker. It is this reluctance to read his work that keeps their relationship going. God bless America.