When a young woman shows up he takes a shining to her, and she to him. This gives him a boost in self-esteem, but it fades when she goes home. Dr. Blake is given the chance to change her meds and make her worse, therefore keeping her at the hospital, and he does. Thus begins his downward spiral into obsession and law-breaking.

LAW-BREAKING I SAY! Then more stuff happens and he goes for a swim. Thus says the trailer.

The Good Doctor

Lance Daly is the director of The Good Doctor, and I have an endless number of ideas for mocking his name.

I wake up with a stiff lance daily. BOOYAH. Sometimes I lance the ladies nightly. Lance Daly? Isn’t he Carson Daly’s brother, but with a larger, more firm and erect penis? Yes he is.

Or he isn’t. Mr. Boner, I mean Lance Daly, has directed a few smaller films before, but the Good Doctor is his biggest film to date. John Enbom wrote the screenplay, and he has some more experience, specifically as a writer/producer on the Terminator TV show a few years back.

The Good Doctor Trailer

The Good Doctor Release Date

August 31, 2012.

Pictures

Who’s In It?

Legolas. I mean:
 Orlando Bloom … Dr. Martin Ploeck
  Riley Keough … Diane Nixon
  Taraji P. Henson … Nurse Theresa
  Rob Morrow … Dr. Waylans
  Michael Peña … Jimmy
  Troy Garity … Dan
  Molly Price … Mrs. Nixon
  Wade Williams … Mr. Nixon
  Sorel Carradine … Valerie
  Gary Cervantes¹ … Mr. Sanchez
  Monique Gabriela Curnen … Nurse Maryanne
  Jean St. James … Nurse Carol

What’s Good About It?

The story looks good, though a bit on the cliched side. While I’m not the biggest fan of Bloom, from the trailer this appears to be one of his better performances.

What’s Bad About It?

One of the better performances of Orlando Bloom’s career is like saying one of the more impressive shits of a constipated dog.

Evocative imagery? Oh yeah.

Our Clever Prediction

The Good Doctor is getting a limited release, so unless it turns out to be freaking outstanding I don’t see it making much money. It may serve as the kick in the ass Bloom’s career needs right now. He had a chance a few years back to be the next big thing, which he fully exploited by marrying supermodel Miranda Kerr (SHE SHOULD BE MINE), but he’s faded quite a bit.

Screw him.

Total Recall

Total Recall isn’t showing a whole ton just yet, but there are a few new images in this new TV Spot, and I thank them for that. Now I want to know why there’s a TV Spot for a movie that doesn’t come out until August. What frickin’ show is going to play this and have it be worth the advertising dollars?

Prometheus

Prometheus has TWO new TV Spots today, and they’re both decent, though like a lot of the promotional material I’m seeing it’s nothing new. I don’t see why they bother putting out new TV Spots if it’s just a slight edit of the last one.

Oh, right. Because I’ll post it and they’ll get publicity. Well played.

One thing that I did see for the first time in these TV Spots is the kraken, which has apparently been unleashed. Seriously, I see tentacles. WTF?

The Dark Knight Rises

The Dark Knight Rises also has TWO new TV spots, and they are FREAKING AWESOME. What is really amazing about these two spots is that they’re giving us a pretty different view of the film, which has thus far looked a little too dark. While the first two films were certainly quite serious, there were at least moments of humor and fun. This seems to be the case for The Dark Knight Rises, and I AM IN LOVE WITH IT.

On the Road

On the Road has a couple new film clips today, and I have to give them credit for making the characters come alive. I read the book about 2 months ago and wasn’t overly impressed by the amount of development each character received. I’m not saying they weren’t well thought out or considered, but the book was super brief as to giving you much about them. To be fair, I listened to the audiobook and might have missed some stuff.

The Watch

The Watch has a new trailer that shows a bit more of the alien menace that acts as the bad guy in the film. I have a question. Is the film using real aliens as a substitute for neighborhood watches shooting illegal immigrants? Cause that seems wrong.

The Amazing Spider-Man

The Amazing Spider-Man has two new photos that focus on how good Emma Stone looks as a blonde. I think that’s all they’re really about. Nothing else. No badass Spider-Man action or naked boobs.

Unfortunately.

Spider-Man Gwen Stacy

Spider-Man Gwen Stacy

RoboCop

RoboCop has cast Gary Oldman as Norton. Norton wasn’t much in the original film, or perhaps not at all, as he’s the scientist that brings Officer Murphy back to life as RoboCop. Director Jose Padilha explained that his film will deal more with how a man is turned into a robot, and what that might do to his psyche, rather than simply being a film about how awesome RoboCop is.

Wait. I WANT A FILM ABOUT HOW AWESOME ROBOCOP IS!!!!!!!!! Darn it.

The Amazing Spider-Man

The Amazing Spider-Man has a couple pieces of news today. First, we have some new behind the scenes pics that show a pretty darn bloody Peter Parker and some other cool stuff, like Spidey taking a spider-dump on a fake Starbucks, so I like that.

The other thing is that there will be a 6 minute preview of The Amazing Spider-Man with Men in Black 3, which comes out this weekend. I don’t plan on seeing that turdfest, so hopefully it’ll be online before the end of the weekend. Fingers are crossed.

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The Great Gatsby

So The Great Gatsby finally has a trailer, and I was super duper excited to see it but now I barely care about this film. This has to be one of the most overwrought trailers ever, and it makes the film look melodramatic. I realize the book is pretty heavy stuff, but this is ridiculous. It’s just too much. Most of this stuff is subtle and repressed passion. This shit is right out there making a vomit-inducing stench right under your nose.

It’s like I’m wearing a Hitler mustache made of poop.

great gatsby poster

The Dark Knight Rises

These new Dark Knight Rises posters are pretty sweet, though they make me wonder if Gotham is actually Seattle. And that’s some heavy rain. Maybe hail. Is there a tornado coming? Is that what Batman will have to rise from?

Tornado rubble? Best movie ever.

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Brave

I’d certainly say this new TV Spot for Brave is awesome, except for one thing: it lacks reality. Reality? Oh, yes. Reality. I can believe in red headed girls having souls. It’s a bit of a stretch, but okay. I can believe a girl can shoot a bow and arrow. Sure, it’s silly, but let’s just say it’s true.

But when those three kids are launched on a catapult through the air, over a wall and several hundred feet into the air only to land safely in a pile of hay, I call foul. FOUL.

One of the problems with making any changes is the entrenched bureaucracy, and two mothers who want better opportunities for their kids decide to come together to take on the system.

The most pretentious line from the trailer comes from Maggie Gyllenhaal, who says, “You know those mothers who lift one ton cars off their kids? They’ve got nothing on me.”

Those mothers also have nothing on Superman. What’s your point?

Won’t Back Down

Won’t Back Down comes from director Daniel Barnz, who directed such cinematic feats as Beastly and Phoebe in Wonderland. And you all thought I was a retarded monkey when I said that Beastly was really a deep and wonderous drama about the beauty of the educational system. This is really a sequel!! I NEW IT!

Brin Hill cowrote the screenplay with Barnz. Hill wrote and directed Ball Don’t Lie, which I’ve never heard of, so screw him.

Won’t Back Down Trailer

Don’t Back Down Release Date

September 28, 2012.

Pictures

Who’s In It?

 Ving Rhames … Principal Thompson
  Maggie Gyllenhaal
  Holly Hunter
  Viola Davis … Nona Alberts
  Oscar Isaac … Michael Raymond
  Lance Reddick
  Rosie Perez
  Emily Alyn Lind … Malia
  Marianne Jean-Baptiste … Olivia Lopez
  Bill Nunn … Principal Holland
  Sara Lindsey … Bethany Mills
  Ned Eisenberg … Gould
  Liza Colón-Zayas … Yvonne
  John W. Iwanonkiw … Adams teacher
  Jennifer Massey … Valerie Bathgate
  Franklin Ojeda Smith … Mr. King
  Phil Nardozzi … Adam’s Teacher
  Sarab Kamoo … Principal Chamudes
  Teri Clark … Miss Andrews
  Stephen Weigand … Riske’s Assistant
  Joe Coyle … Clay Bathgate
  Rebecca Harris … Gretchen Southwick
  Jack Walz … Student
  Dante Brown … Cody

What’s Good About It?

On occasion, films about the problems of the educational system are quite uplifting. Stand By Me, Sister Act 2, the list goes on and on.

What’s Bad About It?

Maggie Gyllenhaal annoys the shit out of me sometimes. I was on Batman’s side through the first big chunk of The Dark Knight, but then the Joker killed Maggie Gyllenhaal. My new HERO!

Our Clever Prediction

I don’t expect Don’t back Down to make much money, but the cast is pretty good, with Viola Davis and Ving Rhames, and like I said, there have been good films about bad schools. Um… The Substitute anyone?

Anyone?

BERENGER AT HIS BEST!

Has he read The Notebook? Twice?

Does he have facial hair? A mustache? What kind of mustache? What if he mustache prevents him from being allowed near schools or parks?

These questions and more are asked by documentary filmmaker Morgan Spurlock, and he gets a ton of comedians to help him find the answers.

Mansome

Mansome is Morgan Spurlock’s baby, and anyone who has ever seen him knows he’s quite the man. Just look at that sweet ‘stache in the gallery. SWEET.

Mansome Trailer

Mansom Release Date

May 18, 2012.

Pictures

Who’s In It?

 Jason Bateman … Himself
  Judd Apatow … Himself
  Will Arnett … Himself
  Adam Carolla … Himself
  JC Coccoli … Herself
  Shawn Daivari … Himself
  Zach Galifianakis … Himself
  Ricky Manchanda … Himself
  Chris McLaughlin … Himself
  Isaiah Mustafa … Himself
  Jack Passion … Himself
  Adam Popp … Himself
  Paul Rudd … Himself
  Morgan Spurlock … Himself
  John Waters … Himself

What’s Good About It?

The cast is absolutely outstanding, with interviews of Jason Bateman and Will Arnet, as well as Zach Galifianakis. There are some funny folks involved.

What’s Bad About It?

Oh. It’s a documentary. BALLS. And I worry they might show a bit too much of an exceptionally hairy man’s manscaping, meaning I might have to see a wiener. NO THANKS. I HAVE ONE AND IT IS GLORIOUS.

Our Clever Prediction

I predict very little from Mansome, but it’s a documentary, and therefore expected to make jack shit. It might be funny though, and there is some validity to asking the value of a man in today’s lady-centric world.

I’m just kidding. This is a man’s world. DEAL WITH IT.

The Dark Knight Rises

So the first piece of news today is a couple new posters for The Dark Knight Rises.

…

Are those swastikas? WTF? Oh. They’re just x’s, but they LOOK LIKE SWASTIKAS. COME ON. I get that it’s like “X’s and O’s” or some shit and Catwoman is playful, but when your color palette is red and black, try to avoid anything that might even kinda look like the symbol of Nazis. JUST A THOUGHT.

dark knight rises catwoman poster

dark knight rises batman poster

Dark Knight Rises Awesome Poster

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter has a new Russian poster (I assume Russian, it’s unintelligible) and it’s actually the coolest poster I’ve seen in a while. Peek-a-boo! I see you.

Abraham Lincoln.

Abraham Lincoln Poster

Skyfall

Skyfall, the next James Bond film which is due out this November, has it’s first teaser trailer, and it’s halfway decent. Not much in it, but this is a teaser, so what do you expect? I didn’t expect Mr. Bond to be so bored with his own film’s title. That was a surprise.

The Amazing Spider-Man

The Amazing Spider-Man has two new viral videos of Dr. Curt Connors essentially chronicling his experiments of splicing in lizard DNA with a lab rat. Oh, and the second one is creepy as shit.

Prometheus

Prometheus has new featurette that focuses on Charlize Theron’s character, who appears to be a bit of a villain, but perhaps really just a self centered lady who is trying to do her job rather than be a customary bad guy. Cool.

The story is pretty much going to be similar to the first I suppose, with Ron Burgundy continuing to act as San Diego’s big dumbass news anchor, like your momma serves as the city’s actual anchor. She’s so fat she holds a CITY down. Ooooooohhhh!! SNAPDRAGON. THE RETURN OF THE ULTIMATE BURN.

Suck it.

Anyways, though actual plot details are currently scarce, it seems the main stars of the original Anchorman will be returning, though Christina Applegate is not yet official.

Anchorman 2

The original Anchorman director/writing team of Adam McKay and Will Ferrell will be returning for the sequel. They’ve made quite a few films together, each smarter than the last.

Anchorman 2 Trailer

Anchorman 2 Release Date

TBA 2013.

Pictures

Who’s In It?

  Will Ferrell … Ron Burgundy
  Steve Carell … Brick Tamland
  Paul Rudd … Brian Fantana
  Luke Wilson … Frank Vitchard (rumored)
  David Koechner … Champ Kind

What’s Good About It?

On occasion Will Ferrell is quite funny. Some of the costars of the original Anchorman have come into their own as comedic stars, notably Steve Carrell, though Paul Rudd leads quite a few films these days as well.

What’s Bad About It?

The original is NOT a classic, and only stupid people think so. (please argue with me in the comments, you’ll prove you’re a friggin MORON and I’ll fart on a banana.)

60% of the time this challenge to people’s stupidity works every time. See? Not that funny.

Our Clever Prediction

I don’t think Anchorman 2 is going to be a big success. If it were a sure thing the studios would have green lit this turd fucker years ago.

Brave

Brave has a new film clip and international trailer. The trailer doesn’t show much new stuff, or any new stuff, but the film clip really showcases main character Merida’s spunk. The kid has got spunk.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World has a new film clip, and blah blah blah Keira Knightley smokes weed. I assume that’s the best time to ask her to be my one and only.

Hyde Park on the Hudson

Hyde Park on the Hudson has a trailer that reveals Bill Murray as this year’s winner for Best Actor at the Oscars. Seriously, this is a no brainer. Who you gonna call? FDR.

Magic Mike

Another possible Oscar contender, Magic Mike, has a trailer, and it is exquisite. If by exquisite I mean FUCKING STOP DANCING.

Excuse me. He should stop fucking dancing though.

Highlander

Highlander is apparently being remade. Huh. And they want to cast Ryan Reynolds as Connor McCloud of the clan McCloud. WTF?

Channing Tatum, start dancing. Let’s end this world with a bang. A big, gay bang. Cause that’s this new highlander. A CANADIAN? COME ON. Maybe as the villain…

My God. Can you imagine an immortal Canadian? Horrifying.

Tyler Perry’s Witness Protection

Tyler Perry’s Witness Protection has a new trailer, and I have to give it credit, it made me laugh. Quite a bit actually. Not for the same reason black people probably laughed at it, but I laughed nonetheless. It’s interesting. I saw The Dictator last night (kinda funny, but also dumber than I thought it would be, which is saying something) and this comes across to me as more racially insensitive, and yet it isn’t at all.

The Possession

The Possession has its first trailer, and I had completely forgotten this film before the trailer. I’d written a preview and everything, and like most people can tell you, I have a memory like a lockbox. It’s a steel trap of superior knowledge.

Yet I forgot this. This… What is it again? The jewish exorcism or something? Meh. It looks fine, but all of these films are rehashing stuff from The Exorcist, and if you watch that you’ll be a hundred times more scared. They have NOT improved on the original.

The Words

The Words has a new trailer and it shows that it is a bad thing to steal other people’s words. I never do that. To be or not to be a plagiarist. I’d never…

Oh, and there are some babes in this. I will now see it.

Skyfall

Skyfall has a new poster, and it’s pretty classic James Bond, though I have to wonder when Mr. Bond is going to be shot out of a cannon. In a suit. While holding a gun. What a dapper carny.

Skyfall Poster

Prometheus

Prometheus has a new poster, and what the F is the dude off in the distance holding in his hand? Ignore the big exploding ship or whatever. WHAT IS HE HOLDING.

Prometheus Poster

Taken 2

Taken 2, or as I like to call it, Took, has a few new photos of Liam Neeson looking like a badass, though I have to question his choice of popping the collar on that leather jacket. If your neck is cold, wear a turtleneck. ASS.

Taken 2 pic

Taken 2 pic1

Taken 2 pic2

Right. Kid’s movie. Keep it clean Banana Hammock. Keep. It. Clean.

So there’s gum in his hair. THEN, he trips on a skateboard and drops his sweater into a sink while the water is on. OMG.

Thankfully, it can’t get worse, right? WRONG. His brothers get prizes in their cereal boxes. Not Alexander. He gets cereal. WHAT? SCREW THIS.

Oh, and he doesn’t get a window seat on the way to school. His teacher doesn’t like his drawing, there’s not dessert in his lunch. NOOOOOOO. He gets a cavity. AAAAHHHHH.

I’m just going to stop and say right now that this kid is having a REALLY bad day, and I am super depressed because of it. Where are you God? WHERE ARE YOU???

Oh, and at the end of this HORRIBLE book, Alexander’s mom says every one has bad days. THANKS, MOM. YOU BIT…

NEVER MIND.

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day is being directed by Lisa Cholodenko, who also cowrote the screenplay with Rob Lieber. It’s based on the book by Judith Vorst. Screw her. I LIKE HAPPY ENDINGS. IN BOTH MOVIES AND MASSAGES.

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day Trailer

No trailer yet.

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad DayRelease Date

TBA.

Pictures

Nopesy.

Who’s In It?

Steve Carell… Ben

What’s Good About It?

What’s the most depressing movie you’ve ever seen? This tops it. I don’t know how this a good thing…

What’s Bad About It?

What’s the most depressing movie you’ve ever seen? This tops it.

That’s better.

Our Clever Prediction

I hope the filmmakers have a bad day when this is released. THEY’VE DESCRIBED MY NIGHTMARE.