The Truth

Refreshingly we’re thrust straight into the action in this Finnish curiosity from director Jalmari Helander. Following a large scale excavation under the guise of seismic testing, strange things begin to happen to the inhabitants of a tiny mountain village. After their whole herd of Reindeer are found torn apart, father and son, Rauno (Jorma Tommila) and Pietari (Onni Tommila) find the body of a naked and rancid old man impaled in their wolf trap. No-one listens to Pietari’s terrified warning; the coca-cola Santa is just a hoax – the real Santa Claus tears naughty kids to pieces. Next all the potato sacks in the whole village go missing. Pretty soon none of the children can be found.

The Laughs

Rare Exports balances it’s moments of horror and gore with a deliciously dark humour. Rauno enlists the help of Pietari and two fellow villagers to take the vile creature hostage, planning to sell it to the Americans. After biting off one of their ears it becomes clear he must be restrained and so is wrapped in plastic and hung from the ceiling by meat hooks. Taking a well deserved rest the team sit together and eat home-made gingerbread. The whole story is so fantastically absurd and demented there is nothing else to do but laugh.

What’s Good About Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale?

This movie is Home Alone, Scandinavian-style. Instead of Kevin McCallister we have Pietari, complete with Christmas jumpers and the obligatory bobble hat he is quietly charismatic without the face slapping and knee skids. This is my provincial Finnish village. I have to defend it.

What’s Bad About Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale?

Unfortunately there is some pretty dodgy CGI during the last sequence, no doubt a result of a very tight budget. It’s a shame but doesn’t spoil the overall effect. The only really bad thing about this movie is its limited release in the UK and the US making it quite difficult to get hold of.

What I Learned

I wasn’t a morbid child after all. I was right to be terrified at the thought of an old man repeatedly breaking into my home in the middle of the night – even if he did bring presents.

The Verdict

Refreshingly imaginative with that twisted humour the Nordics do so well, Rare Exports is a rare treat amongst the usual barrage of sickly festive crap. Although probably one to watch without the kids, this movie does have a wonderful feel-good ending and despite all the Satanic Santa stuff left me feeling full of timely festive spirit.

The Truth

When Christopher Nolan’s Inception was released last July the hype-o-meter was reaching heights normally reserved for movies about vacuous shoe-obsessed women or bitey teenagers. Rarely will the movie experience live up to what the people making money out of it promise and yet, Inception really was as remarkable as they said it was.

Corporate ‘extractor’ Cobb (Leonardo Dicaprio) brings together a team of dream-weavers to infiltrate the subconscious of billionaire Fischer (Cillian Murphy) and plant an idea, which will guarantee the business success of Saito (Ken Wantabe) and promises to clear his criminal record allowing him to return to America to be with his children. The team must move down through the layers of Fischers subconscious into simultaneous dream states. Like Russian dolls each dream state fits inside the next and ingeniously Nolan slows with the time-frame of each dream-state so we can identify how deep we’ve gone.

The Laughs

Nolan doesn’t do funny.

What’s Good About Inception?

Inception avoids the traps so many big-budget action blockbusters fall into – we’ve got all this money let’s make lots of non-flammable things explode, let’s make a helicopter fight an airplane, oh, and let’s hire stuntmen to fall from skyscrapers and walk away unscathed. Instead the awe-inspiring special effects – whole landscapes crumbling into the sea, Parisian streets lifting up to roll back on themselves and zero-gravity fist-fights on ceilings have purpose within the labyrinth-like story.

Just Dicaprio. Because he’s pretty.

What’s Bad About Inception?

I’ve got to be honest, not much. The cast is amazing. Marion Cotillard as Cobbs late wife Mal is mesmerising and Dicaprio can do no wrong as far as I’m concerned. I’m clutching at straws here but it’s possible there are one or two more characters than needed in Cobb’s team. Heaven forbid Tom Hardy be cut but maybe the clan could be slightly condensed to make each of their back-stories a little heavier.

The Features

Special DVD features include: The Inception of Inception with Christopher Nolan, Creating and Destroying the Japanese Castle, Constructing Paradoxical Architecture and Constructing the Freight Train Sequence. As those with blu-ray get even more special features so you can feel self-satisfied and superior. Extra features include Dreams: Cinema of the Subconscious documentary, The Cobol Job Prologue, soundtrack selections and art gallery.

What I Learned

Freud knew what he was talking about all along.

The Verdict

I want this movie on DVD. I want it. I want it. I want it. My only concern is that it won’t look quite so spectacular when watched on my 16 inch portable tv with one broken speaker.

The Truth

After a NASA Space Probe carrying samples of alien life crashes over South America, the US military quarantines Mexico in an attempt to stop the spread of giant monsters and keep the borers closed. Photographer Andrew (Scoot McNairy) must travel through the infected zone to the safety of the good old USA with the most precious cargo of all, the boss’s daughter Samantha (Whitney Able.) She’s gorgeous, he’s irritating. Isn’t it always the way?

Monsters is less frantic destruction epic like Cloverfield (2008) or engaging political commentary like District 9 (2009) and more journey narrative, focusing on the relationship between Andrew and Sam. That’s not to say Monsters is mindless. Part way through their journey, Sam and Andrew camp with local guerrillas who imply the ‘creatures’ only attack when gung-ho Americans provoke them, the wall the US has constructed serves only to lock Americans in not keep the creatures out and the nuclear attacks the US launch on the infected forests only succeed in poisoning Mexicans. In case this alien invasion ever happens I hope Obama is paying close attention to these obvious strategic mistakes.

The Laughs

More serious in tone than I expected, the only real laugh comes when Andrew attempts to drunkenly seduce Sam. I’ve seen some terrible drunken advances in my time, believe me, but this is something else.

What’s Good About Monsters?

Beautifully shot using fantastic locations with only two crew members and ‘off the shelf’ equipment for a total of around $200,000 this movie shows how much money is wasted on multi-million blockbusters with no substance. An interesting and original concept, Monsters asks how the world would react if alien life took hold on earth. Well if you’re American you get to live happily ever after behind a big wall and if you’re Mexican you get to live in the infected zone and be attacked by aliens and radiated by Americans. Sounds about right.

What’s Bad About Monsters?

There’s a good chance I’m completely desensitised to scary CGI monsters, probably a product of all of the video games and coca-cola you horrible Americans invented. All the same these monsters just aren’t frightening and that effects the overall tension. You’re not even sure if these giant squid can sense human presence therefore why bother hiding or running away? Less is more where monsters are concerned and you can create more tension with a plastic cup of water than a hundred giant alien squids.

What I Learned

Umm, space exploration could end in tears if NASA doesn’t take better care of its shit.

The Verdict

Definitely one to see but don’t let all the hype fool you. This is no Cloverfield or District 9 but an interesting and engaging movie in its own right.

The Truth

A young Russian doctor, Anna (Marina Hands) is in danger of interrogation by the soviet police (bad men) as a result of her mystical power to heal with her hands. Subjected to propositions and threats from colleagues and neighbours (more bad men) keen to hand Anna over, she faces a daily battle to avoid arrest. As if that wasn’t bad enough she is essentially kidnapped and taken to an aged Joseph Stalin (super bad man) to be his personal physician at the cost of her marriage and family.

The first thing you will notice is that everyone is speaking French not Russian. So…French people can make films that aren’t about French people? I didn’t agree to this.

The Laughs

Not so much as a snigger.

What’s Good About An Ordinary Execution?

There’s a kind of sick pleasure in seeing a feared dictator and force of historical trauma brought back to life on the big screen. Andre Dussollier is completely believable as an ageing Stalin and his performance almost brings the film back from the brink of dull.

What’s Bad About An Ordinary Execution?

Although the movie has tense and revealing moments, they rarely punctuate the otherwise draining and slow-paced plot. An Ordinary Execution may be said to capture the ever present terror of life under Stalin’s rule but the endless struggle and desperation doesn’t reach a crescendo as it does in other political history movies such as the life-changing The Lives of Others (2006) or The Black Book (2006), it just kind of fizzles out instead.

What I Learned

Stalin was a total bastard. But I think I kind of already knew that.

The Verdict

Unless you’re genuinely interested in post WW2 life in the Soviet Union and the dying days of Stalin, I’d give this film a miss.

The Truth

Now I’m not someone who will get into debates about whether the book is better than the movie. A book is a BOOK and a movie is a MOVIE. Glad we’ve straightened that out. On with the review…

‘These are dark times, there’s no denying…’ The latest Harry Potter installment opens with these words, followed by various characters staring into the middle distance looking all grown-up and serious. Saying goodbye to their families and even the cupboard under the stairs where Harry spent his childhood (I wonder where that Austrian guy got the idea) it’s clear the magical cauldron fun is over.

Early in the movie, a magically crucified teacher is killed on a table surrounded by death-eaters (bad guys) and then eaten by a giant snake. Okay you’ve got my attention Yates, do continue. Naturally the most mature of the series plot-wise, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows revels in its gothic aesthetics but don’t be fooled into thinking this movie is dark in the same way that Lynch or Cronenberg do dark. It’s a PG13 Disney movie based on a book by J.K. Rowling so there are still plenty of warm, touchy-feely moments to see you through the fairly epic 146 minute running time.

Whenever I watch Harry Potter movies I feel the need to educate Americans and Canadians in particular (yeah you’re all pretty much the same) that England isn’t actually as these films would have you believe. We don’t talk like that, we don’t wear tweed and knitwear permanently and our best insult isn’t ‘git.’ Only once is Harry Potter’s England recognisable. The trio find themselves in a skanky-looking, neon lit diner in the early hours in London where they order bad coffee from a rude waitress and then are attacked by two strange men. Now that’s the old blighty I know and love.

The Laughs

None of the films are particularly funny but for some reason Daniel Radcliffe seems to have comic potential, although it is painfully unintentional.

What’s Good The Deathly Hallows?

This movie manages to maintain a tension and energy the previous films have at times lacked. To be expected the special effects are jaw-dropping, particularly the initial chase sequence when Voldemort zaps electricity pylons to the ground. In case you’re not familiar with the previous films, Voldemort is the big bad guy who looks like Ralph Fiennes if he was hit in the face really hard with a fish.

There’s a fantastic animation sequence in the middle of the movie which looks like it could have spawned from the mind of the gothic master himself but is in fact by an animator called Ben Hibon. One to watch.

What’s Bad About The Deathly Hallows?

No matter how hard the writers and directors try there is no way they can ever create a love scene involving Harry Potter without it being hideously cringeworthy. It can’t be done. At least all the whining adolescent love crap is over and done with. A small blessing considering they’ve now moved onto ‘real relationship’ related whining.

What I learned

Loads of new spells. All of which will help me greatly in my day-to-day life.

The Verdict

Definitely the best Harry Potter movie so far.
I’m really looking forward to the final installment, partly so it can all be over and I can make a concerted effort never to say or hear the words ‘Harry Potter’ ever again.

The Truth

But what a disturbingly beautiful ordeal it is. Oscar (Nathanial Brown) is a small-time drug dealer and addict living in Tokyo with his stripper sister Linda (Paz de la Huerta.) After being shot dead early in the movie, we move with Oscar’s spirit as he watches events following his death and relives nightmarish moments from his past.

I think I might love this movie but I hate it too. From the opening credits you know this experience is going to be hard on the peepers. The fact that there is no strobe warning for potential epileptics is frankly irresponsible. In fact there should be a line you must be taller than to enter the auditorium at all.

Visually and technically stunning, Gaspar Noe takes his camera places you never thought it was possible to go (and sometimes wish you hadn’t been.) The point of view camerawork is like nothing I’ve ever seen. Watching from inside Oscar’s consciousness as he experiences drug-induced hallucinations, death and the afterlife is an extremely trippy experience. Using similar swooping and gliding camerawork made notorious by his first film Irreversible (2002), Enter the Void is a physical experience as much as a visual one and the constant movement and shifts in focus can leave you feeling drained. Call me old-school but I don’t think watching a movie should ever induce headaches or nausea.

Just for fun watch the opening credits.

The Laughs

Unless the hallucinatory and strobe effects put you into come kind of hysterical fit, Enter the Void is no comedy.

What’s Good About Enter the Void?

Representing death and the afterlife in a totally unique way, Enter the Void will stay with you for weeks. Looking through Oscar’s eyes, hearing him say he can’t feel his arms as they lie blood-covered and motionless in front of him is the most affecting death scene I have even seen. Also watch out for the car crash, I still haven’t managed to shake that one.

It’s not all death and horror – there’s sex too! I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned the sex until now. There’s no mistaking that Enter the Void is a sexually explicit film. Gaspar Noe has said in an interview he knows what his sexual life is made of and wants to see similar things on screen. Judging by some of the explicit and erm, experimental scenes he is definitely not a missionary guy.

What’s Bad About Enter the Void?

Oscar suffers not so much from a touch of the Oedipal complex but a crippling, horrific Oedipal obsession and all the sister mother stuff gets a bit much. Also, once you’ve seen the penis of one Japanese businessman you’ve seen them all. If you make it to the end of Enter the Void you will be in for a treat as the film ends with a bit of CGI I never thought I’d see. It’s so unbelievable I can’t even describe it without landing this whole website with some kind of ‘explicit content’ rating. You’re just going to have to watch the film.

What I Learned

Americans don’t visit Tokyo to sightsee, it’s probably drugs and hookers they’re after. Again, how to take drugs effectively – MDMA this time.

The Verdict

A little bit of Gaspar Noe goes a very long way. Watch Enter the Void and revel in the visually stunning world put in front of you. Let yourself be taken on a spiritual and emotional journey and be shocked and horrified along the way. But watch it on DVD so when it all gets too much you can press stop.

Faster Pics

This can only live up to the title if I don’t say much and just get to the pics Faster.

The Dark Knight Rises

Christian Bale has been saying that The Dark Knight Rises will likely be his last Batman film. Yeah, until they decide not to do another Terminator. Which they may do. I’m pretty sure this’ll be Christopher Nolan’s last Batman flick, and I wouldn’t want to work on the character with another director after Nolan. It’d be like Harrison Ford doing an Indiana Jones without Spielberg. Or him doing a Star Wars without Lucas. Both of which sound like good ideas considering the downturn both series have taken.

At least Heath Ledger hasn’t said he won’t do another one. He never SAID it. I doubt he’d be able to. Cause he dead. He dead. Dead.

One thing worth noting is that Bale said that it’s more up to Nolan than him at this point, meaning he’d likely return if Nolan was willing to do another film. But what about Ledger? I should get a shirt made that says, “Why so Dead?”

Mars Needs Moms

A trailer is up for Mars Needs Moms, the new animated film starring the voice of Seth Green as nine-year-old Milo, whose mom is stolen by aliens who need her momness for their own young. Preview here, trailer below. BAM.

Censorship

One last thing to mention, and that is that I’m starting up a new internet petition against Caribou Coffee, where I was sitting about half and hour ago, trying to write this preview. But guess what? Their stupid internet firewall technology thing BLOCKS Starseeker, both the editing page and the site itself. IT ISN’T PORN (yet, come on, Canada!) and I don’t say half the awful stuff I think. I don’t even post crap about Justin Bieber (Beiber? My spellcheck doesn’t like either, and neither do I). He’s way more awful than the crap I say. I WROTE about pictures of naked ladies, and then didn’t post any.

I saying this to you, Mr. CEO of Caribou Coffee (who I know reads this site and is a monstrous fan of the site, and more specifically me), please fix your internet. This is crap. CRAP. I am OFFICIALLY changing my mortal enemy status on Facebook from Canada to Caribou Coffee, and I will not back down until you fix your internet, and give me a bribe (free drinks AND money, gold is fine).

The Truth

Everyone watched in horror in late 2008 as Joaquin Pheonix began his spectacular descent from Hollywood god to gibbering coke-addled mess. Sporting a beard and gut combo and professing incoherent dreams of becoming the next Hip Hop superstar, it really seemed as if he had lost it. But on announcing his exploits were to be filmed for a debut documentary directed by brother-in-law Casey Affleck it seemed it was all one elaborate hoax.

Putting the media speculation aside, when watching I’m Still Here it’s difficult to say whether only Joaquin isn’t acting, everyone’s acting, no-one’s acting or only Joaquin is acting. The fact that Casey Affleck has confirmed I’m Still Here is a mockumentary becomes irrelevant. In acting like an offensive inebriate who lives under a bridge he becomes that person, the lines between reality and fiction are blurred.

The Laughs

Almost Jackass in parts, Joaquin himself is obviously the clown of the piece. There’s a sick pleasure in the way he makes everyone he comes into contact with feel uncomfortable. Depending on your taste you’ll either find the whole thing hilarious or horribly cringe worthy.

What’s Good About I’m Still Here?

There’s something pretty darn fantastic about seeing an Oscar-nominated hollywood actor snorting coke and rubbing his face in a low class hookers breasts.

What’s Bad About I’m Still Here?

It’s a shame I’m Still Here’s DVD release comes after Casey Affleck’s announcement that the film was scripted hoax. It’s always better to keep people guessing. Blair Witch Project would never have made as much money as it did if they hadn’t allowed all the hicks to believe it was real.

The I’m Still Here DVD Features

Special features include: commentary with Casey Affleck, commentary with Casey Affleck, Joaquin Phoenix, and cast and crew and deleted scenes with commentary (over 90 minutes.)

The Verdict

Critically slammed and financially destructive I’m Still Here sticks two fingers up at the whole industry. An incredibly brave work of fiction, Pheonix and Affleck have bitch slapped anyone involved in celebrity obsessed media and fooled millions, including Roger Ebert. Totally worth it.

Source Code

A trailer is up for Source Code, Jake Gyllenhaal’s next big action extravaganza. It’s kinda like Groundhog Day meets 12 Monkeys, but it has Jake Gyllenhaal, so it’ll blow. I do like Michelle Monaghan, and the trailer promises that we will see ol’ Jakey die a bunch, so it may be worth the $10 admission. And yes, I’m aware that there isn’t a preview, yet. Wait a bit. I’m working on it. And… done. I AM ON IT.

The Lincoln Lawyer

The Lincoln Lawyer finally has a trailer, and it looks decent, although they aren’t pushing the idea that Matthew McConaughey lives out of his car enough. HE LIVES OUT OF HIS CAR. And he’s a lawyer. A Time to Kill? More like a time to find a place to live. And not with your momma. I bet his mom kicked him out for playing bongos in the nude. I hope the film ends with McConaughey running a judge over with a Chevy. Cause he’s a Lincoln Lawyer, and the judge was a Chevy man. They’re both screwed though, cause I’m Ford tough.

Buffy

So Warner Brothers has figured out a new way to cash in on the whole vampire craze going on right now. They’re rebooting Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Rumor has it she’ll first appear in the last Twilight film in a moment not from the book, but one which will delight all non-Twihards. (This rumor brought to you by TPATCYAM, or The People Against Twilight Cause You’re All Morons)

My favorite part is the quote from producer Charles Roven, who said,

“Details of the film are being kept under wraps, but I can say while this is not your high school Buffy, she’ll be just as witty, tough, and sexy as we all remember her to be.”

So she’ll be a new Buffy, not the one from our high school (isn’t the point that she’s a high school vampire slayer?) but she’ll still be what we remember her to be. So she won’t be the old Buffy, but she will be how we remember her. Does that mean that we’re all remembering her differently from who she was?

Inferno: A Linda Lovelace Story

It looks like Lindsay Lohan is no longer going to star in the Linda Lovelace biopic, Inferno. She’s been replaced by Malin Akerman, of Watchman fame, who is way better than Lohan, as she has a history of showing her knobs and back page on film. Lohan would have probably had a body double or some such nonsense. It’s a movie about a porn star. I want boobies. And Akerman is hotter anyways. And not a bitch. Or a whore. Or a train wreck. Or a duck. Or the moon. What else is Malin Akerman not? Discuss.

Written and directed by British ‘up-and-comer’ J. Blakeson, this 2009 Brit flick is released on DVD on 23rd November. Get your hands on a copy. Now.

The Truth

After soundproofing a bedroom in a derelict building two Crimewatch types purchase a nice new bed, attach handcuffs and screw it to the floor. A few locks on the doors and windows and the love nest, er I mean torture dungeon, is complete. Next they get their hands on Alice Creed: kidnap her, tie her to the bed, put a ball gag in her mouth and cut off all of her clothes. Got your attention now haven’t I?

The Disappearance of Alice Creed sounds like it might be your average hostage drama. The kidnap itself, although it sounds just like something you downloaded last night, is actually horribly distressing. But the movie doesn’t rely on its impressive shock factor and just when you think you’ve seen it all before it starts to get interesting. You watch in horror and fascination as the complex motivations of each character are revealed and the relationships between the hostage and kidnappers are anything but what they seem.

The Laughs

Afraid not. Even with my sense of humour.

What’s Good About The Disappearance of Alice Creed?

Eddie Marsan and Martin Compston as kidnappers Vic and Danny put in fantastic performances. Once it is revealed Danny is actually getting it on with both Alice and Vic (he creepily calls them both ‘babe’) he turns from vulnerable man-child to deviant menace in an instant. All aggression and tooth decay, Vic begins to realize his betrayal and reveals a tragically tender side. Tough and aggressive with a soft heart? I believe they call them ‘bears’ on the gay scene.

What’s Bad About The Disappearance of Alice Creed?

Gemma Arterton as Alice Creed plays scared victim turned vengeance seeking hard-nut impressively. Yet despite spending the majority of the film with a ball gag in her mouth she is extremely irritating. She has the same high-pitched, scrunchy-faced, cry-whine Renée Zelwegger does so perfectly. Two million pounds just isn’t enough to listen to her.

The Features

Extra features on the DVD and Blu-Ray release include extended and deleted scenes with commentary, storyboard featurettes and a director’s commentary.

What I Learned

It’s actually better if your Daddy isn’t a millionaire. If he is avoid recently paroled Scotsmen.

The Verdict

Brutal, tender, shocking and moving in equal measures, The Disappearance of Alice Creed is definitely worth a watch.