Burlesque (2010)

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Burlesque is going to suck. Fact: it stars Christina Aguilara. Fact: it also stars Cher. Fact: it is about a young girl with a big voice who goes to the big city to blah blah blah. Seriously. This film is going to suck.


I wasn’t kidding before. Burlesque tells the story of a small town girl with dreams of becoming a star, so she goes to Los Angeles and after it turns out that ‘making it’ isn’t as easy as being pretty and having a good voice, she takes a job at a burlesque show. No doubt she cracked under the pressure during her first audition, and the lessons she learns at the burlesque show will give her the confidence to shine in her second shot. I bet the burlesque show will initially offend her small town values, which will then be shown to be ignorant, and eventually she’ll become more intelligent and what not. A side note for all the little girls with dreams. If you fail as a singer, and starting working at a burlesque show, nine times out of ten you end up a prostitute. True story.

Trailer

The Scoop

The film is being directed by Steve Antin, who was a producer on the Pussycat Dolls’ reality show. Kinda tells you everything you need to know, doesn’t it?

Who’s It For?

No word yet. Probably PG-13.

Movie Release Date

November 24, 2010.

Who’s In It?

Kristen Bell … Nikki
Cam Gigandet … Jack
Stanley Tucci … Sean
Christina Aguilera … Ali Rose
Eric Dane … Marcus Gerber
Alan Cumming … Alexis
Julianne Hough … Georgia
Cher … Tess

Interesting Fact

Cher is 64. God will send down a plague of locusts if she wears a thong like in that one music video. Locusts.
Also, I find it interesting that Dita Von Teese isn’t in this. Isn’t she the only reason people even half way give a crap about burlesque?

Editor’s Note : you are referring to this gem of a video, that I’m going to ruin your post with now

Related Movies

Coyote Ugly, all those dance movies about a girl who has dreams, stupid films everywhere, that Britney Spears movie from 15 years ago with Zoe Saldana in it, which is weird to think about.

What’s Good About It?

I’ve been looking for a way to single out all the retards. So it’s good for that.

What’s Bad About It?

Come on. I barely read the preview and I’ve practically explained the entire film. Only really stupid people and the very young will think there’s anything original in this crapfest.

Our Clever Prediction

Fact: our friendship ends the day you see this film and remark, “I liked it.” I predict you groin will suffer serious injury as a result of me kicking you repeatedly.

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Brian brings to the site 4 years of online journalism, and attitude. Brian has probably offended you in his movie previews, and for that he won't apologize. Ladies, Brian is in a committed relationship with a woman who, thankfully, doesn't read Starseeker. It is this reluctance to read his work that keeps their relationship going. God bless America.

10 COMMENTS

  1. You were completely off with your prediction. She didn’t even choke during her first audition you dumb ass? You’re trying way too hard to critique. You probably had a boner the whole time. Try doing something else for a living because you suck at critiquing.

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