Abduction (2011)


Abduction stars Twilight’s resident bad boy werewolf, Taylor Lautner, as a teenager who has always felt alienated from his parents, and finds out a disturbing reason why that may be. Team Jacob!

Wait, so the film is about a teenager who feels his parents don’t understand him? Really? Sheesh, I wrote this, along with EVERY OTHER TEENAGER IN HISTORY. So it should make good money. The main plot line follows Nathan (Lautner) after he finds his baby picture used to be on milk cartons. As a MISSING CHILD. Dun dun duh. Wait again. They still put baby photos on milk cartons?

Oh, I misread. It’s a missing persons WEBSITE. That makes more sense, what with today’s urban youths all about the magic light boxes, or as they call them… computing machines. I always laugh and tell them, “Back in my day, we didn’t have yer computing machines, we had our brains to calculate our problems.” Then they tell me I’m old and to eat my calcium-rich yogurt, but I DON’T WANT MY YOGURT. I WANT A BEER. But they say I can’t have a beer, because of the diabetes, and I’ll lose my foot. And I say I don’t care about my foot, I want beer. Beer beats foot any day of the week. It’s first in the dictionary, and first in my heart. Then they pour my yogurt down my pants and tell my nurse that I did it again. God, how I hate children.

The Scoop

Abduction is directed by John Singleton, who directed Four Brothers, 2 Fast 2 Furious, Shaft, and Boyz n the Hood. Much more interesting is that the story and first draft of the screenplay were by Shawn Christensen, whose IMDB page has this photo:

This movie is going to be AWESOME.


Who’s It For?

Teenage girls, and that’s it. Seriously. They are trying to make Taylor Lautner into the new Jason Bourne, someone to replace Matt Damon in the near future. SERIOUSLY, if you are a straight male and go see this movie, we don’t want you in our species any longer. You are only allowed to see Abduction if you are a teenage girl.


Movie Release Date

September 23, 2011.

Who’s In It?

 Taylor Lautner … Nathan
  Lily Collins … Karen
  Alfred Molina … Frank Burton
  Jason Isaacs … Kevin
  Maria Bello … Mara
  Michael Nyqvist … Kozlow
  Sigourney Weaver … Dr. Bennett
  Antonique Smith … Sandra Burns
  Denzel Whitaker … Gilly
  Nickola Shreli … Alec
  Allen Williamson … Billy
  William Peltz … Jake

Related Movies

Twilight, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, The Last Boy Scout

What’s Good About It?

Taylor Lautner is soooo dreamy. I mean, soooooo DREAMY!!!! To be honest, I’m somewhat curious about this, because he has gotten a huge push, and I kinda think of him as sucking ass. This is a big shot for ol’ wolf breath. If he pulls it off, we’re going to have to endure his chiseled abs for many years to come.

What’s Bad About It?

Wouldn’t it be funny if it turns out he’s a werewolf in Abduction too? Oh, and doesn’t the Abduction sound like a workout device from late night television? Is that how he got those chiseled abs?

Our Clever Prediction

I don’t see this working out. The movie sounds stupid, and Lautner isn’t a draw, neither is Robert Pattinson. Twilight is a draw, not the actors.