Texas Chainsaw 3D takes horror to a whole new dimension that’s never been done before… Oh, wait, it totally has by a bunch of other bad films that think they can be scarier because crap pops out at the audience.

Honestly, the most interesting thing about this film is that they took the “THE” and “MASSACRE” out of the title. That’s far more interesting than the plot, which I haven’t looked up just yet but I bet it’s something along the lines of “A group of either high school or more likely college aged kids go on a trip to a remote place, where a few of them are promiscuous and do drugs, while someone else has a mysterious past but is a nice person deep down. Then Leatherface shows up and chainsaws the crap out of them.”

That’s my guess. Now I’ll look it up…

Nice, there’s a slight twist. A young woman actually inherits an estate in Texas from a Grandmother she didn’t know she had, and THEN she goes there with some friends, no doubt a few of them promiscuous drug users who die first, and Leatherface starts killing them.

Dang. I was so close.

Texas Chainsaw 3D

Texas Chainsaw 3D comes from director John Luessenhop. He made Takers, which looked okay outside of Paul Walker’s involvement, and he made a film called Lockdown that I haven’t seen. I’m not even going to bother with a writer. Seriously.

It’s a Texas Chainsaw movie. Does there need to be a story? “Leatherface does mean stuff.” DONE.

Texas Chainsaw 3D Trailer

Texas Chainsaw 3D Release Date

January 4, 2013.

Pictures

Who’s In It?

 Alexandra Daddario … Heather Miller
  Scott Eastwood … Deputy Carl Hartman
  Tania Raymonde … Nikki
  Bill Moseley … Drayton Sawyer
  Richard Riehle … Farnsworth
  Shaun Sipos … Darryl
  Gunnar Hansen … Leatherface (archive footage)
  Dan Yeager … Leatherface
  Keram Malicki-Sánchez … Kenny
  Thom Barry … Sheriff Hooper
  

What’s Good About It?

Leatherface may be somewhat done to death, and the film should be mindless, but I expect some uncomfortable gore porn. That might be good.

What’s Bad About It?

See what I said above? THAT.

Our Clever Prediction

I actually expect Texas Chainsaw 3D to do well. There’s a reason these turds keep getting made. Horror doesn’t have to have a great story. It needs to be scary and with the inflated price of 3D I have little doubt this’ll make bank. BANK!