Spring Breakers is a feel good summer flick about… just kidding. It’s about 4 girls who rob a restaurant to pay for their spring break vacation and get thrown in jail. When they get out, they start some real trouble.

The four girls have been friends for a long time, and they’re bored with their life in a college dorm. They long for excitement. They meet a rapper (yeah, bad idea #1) and he makes them an offer that’s pretty much sure to screw up their lives, but it might also make for a hell of a time.

The girls start doing more and more crazy things to make sure they have a hell of an experience. They start working with a drug dealer/arms dealer, who wants them to continue their little crime spree while working for him.

Sounds good. If they really wanted to have a good time they could’ve just asked me. We could drink non-alcoholic beer in my basement while playing Halo 2 on my original XBOX.

THAT WAS MY COLLEGE FUN.

Spring Breakers

Spring Breakers was written and directed by Harmony Korine. I think Harmony is a dude. The name screams “broad” but his picture looks like a dude, and I think he is.

Thank goodness. If a movie with Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson and Heather Morris running around in bikinis was directed by a girl, I’d shit a brick. Only a sexist man knows how to exploit these young girls to my delight. Thank… goodness.

Spring Breakers Trailer

Spring Breakers Date

March 29, 2013.

Pictures

Who’s In It?

James Franco … Alien
  Selena Gomez … Faith
  Vanessa Hudgens … Candy
  Ashley Benson … Brit
  Heather Morris … Bess
  Rachel Korine … Cotty
  Emma Holzer … Heather
  Ashley Lendzion¹ … Forest
  Gucci Mane … Archie
  Josh Randall … Jock
  Lauren Vera … Spring Breaker
 

What’s Good About It?

Hot chicks in bikinis? Check. Stupid plot? Check. Possibly bad for the youth of America? Check.

This film has pretty much everything.

What’s Bad About It?

While Spring Breakers has nearly everything I’m looking for in a film, there are no Terminators. That’s a big negative.

Also, it looks really stupid and James Franco is in it. He’s not a bad actor, but his film selection is phony and tries too hard to be eclectic.

Our Clever Prediction

I don’t expect Spring Breakers to do very well. I get the impression Selena Gomez is meant to be the star of this turd, and she’s not a real actress. She’s super cute, but her talent is a lot less than people pretend.

I’ll still take her out for a chicken dinner though. With dessert. Maybe two desserts, if you consider me sweet enough to eat (and you should).