The Place Beyond the Pines is about a motorcycle stunt driver who turns to robbing banks to support his wife and son. Aka MY LIFE.
Cause I’m awesome.
Oh wait. It stars Ryan Gosling. The version about me stars… Charles Bronson. I was gonna say The Rock, but Bronson could kick The Rock’s butt with both hands tied behind his back. He could outkick David Beckham even with his legs cut off.
He could out bang Ron Jeremy. That’s why he’d play me. As a motorcycle stunt driver. Who robs banks. What am I supposed to be doing here?
Right. The movie. So there aren’t a ton of details, or DEETS as I call them, on The Place Beyond the Pines, but I think Bradley Cooper plays a cop-turned-politician who is sorta the enemy of Ryan Gosling’s version of me. No doubt it’ll be amazing.
The Place Beyond the Pines has Derek Cianfrance writing/directing. Who’s that? Well, he made Blue Valentine, which apparently had real boning with Ryan Gosling, so that’s a plus. He doesn’t have a lot of experience, but he’s made a few films. This could be good.
IF IT STARRED CHARLES BRONSON.
Ryan Gosling … Luke
Bradley Cooper … Avery Cross
Mahershalalhashbaz Ali … Kofi
Dane DeHaan … Jason
Ben Mendelsohn … Robin Van Der Zee
Emory Cohen … AJ
Stunt rider turned bank robber. It’s a classic tale.
Too bad there’s no pirate. I like pirates. Also, I don’t think of Derek Cianfrance as an action film director. Blue Valentine was about depression and love or something. Not stunt biking. Is that what they call it? Meh.
Oh, what do I think Derek Cianfrance does on the weekend? Wring out taint juice and mix it with poop for a cocktail.
I see a limited release first, but then the film slowly builds, and then it comes out on DVD. Seriously, it stars Ryan Gosling.
Resurrect Bronson, DAMNIT.