Branded (2012)

Flying Brian Banana Hammock June 4, 2012 Comments Off
Branded (2012)

Branded is a new science fiction film about a world run by advertising. Massive corporations have cracked a code that allows them to fully control the moods and whims of the population. Yeah, it’s called Coke Zero. HUZZAH!!!

I think there actually might be something to the idea that corporations are brainwashing us into buying their products.

What’s that, Mr. Starbucks? I’m wrong and should shut up?

Never mind. I was being silly. This is a stupid film about nothing and we should all go out and enjoy a nice cup of the latest blend of wonderfully roasted Starbucks coffee and milk/sugar. Mmmm. Good stuff.

It seems in the film the big, wonderful corporations have come together to work up a conspiracy so that they can work together to control our minds. But for our benefit. Starbucks. And one man has seen behind the conspiracy and wishes to bring it down. But we shouldn’t let him. Get a cup of joe from Stabucks. And the further he gets into this conspiracy the further he sees into it’s dark heart.

Dark like the roast of Starbucks coffee you now wish you had. What’s that? You already have your coffee? Get another. Just in case you spill yours.

Branded

Branded was co- written, directed and produced by Jamie Bradshaw and Aleksandr Dulerayn. Bradshaw has almost no work to his credit, and Dulerayn seems to mostly have Russian stuff in his past, which is surprising considering his WASP name. It’s like Smith or Washington.

Branded Trailer

Branded Release Date

September 2012.

Pictures

Who’s In It?

Ingeborga Dapkunaite … Dubcek
Mariya Ignatova … Host
Andrei KaikovĀ¹ … Pavel
John Laskowski … Fast Food Executive
Leelee Sobieski … Abby Gibbons

What’s Good About It?

I love Max con Sydow and Jeffrey Tambor is vastly underrated. While I don’t completely love the concept of the film and the message of being against corporations… I love Starbucks and so should you…

I do think it looks kinda cool as a high concept sci fi film. NO I DON’T I LOVE STARBUCKS AND PLAYING ANGRY BIRDS ON MY IPHONE AND I WANNA EAT A BIG MAC AND WASH IT DOWN WITH A SECOND BIG MAC AND MY HEART HURTS BUT I’LL KEEP EATING ANYWAYS.

What’s Bad About It?

It’s from a Russian filmmaker. That’s one and a half steps away from Canadian. THINK ABOUT IT.

Cause Canada is right by Russia.

Our Clever Prediction

I don’t know that I care very much about Branded, but I really want another cup of delicious Starbucks coffee. Also, I think the media is REALLY brainwashing us NOT to like awesome stuff like coffee and heart attacks. Stupid media. The push AGAINST corporations is the real threat.

GO STARBUCKS AND HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR I LOVE PUPPIES AND CHOCOLATE AND WONDER WHY MY LIFE IS EMPTY AND POINTLESS BUT THEN I EAT ANOTHER HAMBURGER MADE FROM ANGUS BEEF AND I KNOW ALL IS WELL.

The end.

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