xXx: The Return of Xander Cage (2011)

Flying Brian Banana Hammock August 10, 2010 5

xXx: The Return of Xander Cage is the third film in the xXx series, and this time Vin Diesel comes back to the story as the titular Xander Cage. Oh, and it’s 3D, so expect the X’s to jump right out at you.


Xander Cage is left for dead, but he returns to action for what will no doubt be a ridiculous reason. Don’t worry, everyone’s favorite handler is back as well, played once again by Samuel L. Jackson, who will apparently do anything. Expect a ‘spy’ to enjoy boning hot broads, snowboarding in an extreme way, and mostly ruining my day at the theater.

Dear God, didn’t I already preview this? Oh, that was Max Steele. Way better.

Trailer

Unfortunately, no.

The Scoop

Rob Cohen is back in the director’s seat, so the director/pizza delivery guy from The Fast and The Furious is back. Wow. No word yet as to the reason they didn’t have Ice Cube come back. He’s equally stupid. Hmmm. Must be one of those mysteries we’ll never solve.

Apparently, Vin Diesel, who sort of bad mouthed both xXx and The Fast and the Furious, realized that they’re the main reason he’s famous, and he needed to cash in. Good for him.

Who’s It For?

Wouldn’t it be awesome if it was actually XXX? But probably PG-13 since this crap only appeals to retards. I mean, 13 year old boys.

Movie Release Date

TBA 2011.

Who’s In It?

Vin Diesel… Xander Cage
Samuel L. Jackson… Agent Augustus Gibbons

Interesting Fact

One in five CIA agents was drafted into service because of their affinity for extreme sports. Which is why the terrorists win.

Related Movies

xXx, xXx: State of the Union, The Fast and the Furious.

What’s Good About It?

Uh, Vin Diesel is back? And 3D makes everything better?

What’s Bad About It?

Vin Diesel is back and 3D makes movies give me a headache and sucks a$$.

Our Clever Prediction

Clearly, this will be the best movie ever. The box office will be hugenormous (real word, look it up) and there will be an Oscar worthy performance by Diesel. It really makes you think.

About stabbing someone in the eye.

With your weewee.

5 Comments »

  1. Martin July 9, 2011 at 11:44 am -

    well for gays and hard nerds the say it’s for 13 year olds , for us men , i mean real men we enjoy ridicilous action and drink some vodka infront of TV. The reason is I dont watch every single movie in the theater like the author of this article so i dont think about “Oh i know what will happen next, And it happen that sucked” , some of us normal people non-nerds just enjoy films if they are fun and dont wonder “Oh his sentence was so unreal he is a bad actor”. The movie #1 was more fun than your try out jokes.

  2. Head2ThaSky March 8, 2011 at 6:55 am -

    this movie is totally gonna suck i dnt see a point to making another one after ice cube messed the last one up but if must make another one then yes bring Vin Diesel into it

  3. Mz.luv19 January 17, 2011 at 3:49 pm -

    I disagree i would love to see this movie and i know a whole lot of people who aren’t 13 year old boys who would love to see it also. how about you check the movies that you like before you give a bad rating to a could be great movie. I mean what movies do you like????

  4. Shut your face January 2, 2011 at 4:26 am -

    i rekon you should stop caomplaining about things :)

  5. stop whining December 3, 2010 at 1:52 pm -

    you sir are an angry little man