Columbiana (2011)

Columbiana is the journey of a young woman who sees her parents murdered as a child and grows up to be a hitman. Or should I say… hitwoman?

This is why men are better than women. When a dude sees his parents murdered in front of him, he becomes BATMAN. Not some stinking assassin.

Anyways, Columbiana starts in Bogota, where the young girls sees her parents murdered. As an adult, she works for her uncle, who apparently needs people killed. What a family. Anyways, in her off time, she enjoys long walks on the beach, roses, and committing vigilante murders which she hopes will one day lead to finding her parents’ killer.

Just a wild guess, but I bet it’s the uncle. Any takers?



The Scoop

Director Olivier Megaton (who seriously needs to add an ‘r’ to his last name and rule the TRANSFORMERS UNIVERSE FOREVER) has only a few films to his credit, although his main directing experience comes from Transporter 3. He was the second unit director on Hitman, so he has been a part of a string of craptastic films as of late.

Thankfully, the film was written by Luc Besson, who has made such an unbelievable amount of retarded films that it isn’t even funny. Not only has he worked on the Transporter series, but he also wrote From Paris with Love, Bandidas, Revolver, Unleashed, and Taken. Okay, so Taken and Unleashed were decent, but the stories were still stupid as hell.

Who’s It For?

No rating yet, but I’m guessing R.

Movie Release Date

September 2, 2011.

Who’s In It?

Zoe Saldana … Cat
Michael Vartan
Max Martini
Lennie James
Jordi Mollà
Graham McTavish … Marshall Warren

Interesting Fact

In real life, Zoe Saldana is Batgirl. Huh.

Oh, and Columbiana is not a real country.

Related Movies

Taken, From Paris with Love, Transporter, Unleashed, The Losers, Batman

What’s Good About It?

Zoe Saldana has had a string of big hits as of late. If she can keep the same magic she had with Avatar and Star Trek, then Columbiana will be a huge hit.

What’s Bad About It?

I don’t trust these filmmakers at all. Besson’s writing is pretty poor, all things considered, and having a director whose main experience is the third Transporter film does not inspire confidence. I’m a little worried about this one.

Our Clever Prediction

It’s being released on the first Friday of September. Not a lot of big movies come out at that time of the year. Since I’m writing this at basically the same time, let’s look at the movies in the theaters. The American, meh. Machete, meh. Takers, argh.

Yeah, this film is going to be mediocre at best.

About Flying Brian Banana Hammock

Brian brings to the site 4 years of online journalism, and attitude. Brian has probably offended you in his movie previews, and for that he won't apologize. Ladies, Brian is in a committed relationship with a woman who, thankfully, doesn't read Starseeker. It is this reluctance to read his work that keeps their relationship going. God bless America.

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