Columbiana (2011)

Flying Brian Banana Hammock September 8, 2010 12

Columbiana is the journey of a young woman who sees her parents murdered as a child and grows up to be a hitman. Or should I say… hitwoman?


This is why men are better than women. When a dude sees his parents murdered in front of him, he becomes BATMAN. Not some stinking assassin.

Anyways, Columbiana starts in Bogota, where the young girls sees her parents murdered. As an adult, she works for her uncle, who apparently needs people killed. What a family. Anyways, in her off time, she enjoys long walks on the beach, roses, and committing vigilante murders which she hopes will one day lead to finding her parents’ killer.

Just a wild guess, but I bet it’s the uncle. Any takers?

Trailer

Pics

The Scoop

Director Olivier Megaton (who seriously needs to add an ‘r’ to his last name and rule the TRANSFORMERS UNIVERSE FOREVER) has only a few films to his credit, although his main directing experience comes from Transporter 3. He was the second unit director on Hitman, so he has been a part of a string of craptastic films as of late.

Thankfully, the film was written by Luc Besson, who has made such an unbelievable amount of retarded films that it isn’t even funny. Not only has he worked on the Transporter series, but he also wrote From Paris with Love, Bandidas, Revolver, Unleashed, and Taken. Okay, so Taken and Unleashed were decent, but the stories were still stupid as hell.

Who’s It For?

No rating yet, but I’m guessing R.

Movie Release Date

September 2, 2011.

Who’s In It?

Zoe Saldana … Cat
Michael Vartan
Max Martini
Lennie James
Jordi Mollà
Graham McTavish … Marshall Warren

Interesting Fact

In real life, Zoe Saldana is Batgirl. Huh.

Oh, and Columbiana is not a real country.

Related Movies

Taken, From Paris with Love, Transporter, Unleashed, The Losers, Batman

What’s Good About It?

Zoe Saldana has had a string of big hits as of late. If she can keep the same magic she had with Avatar and Star Trek, then Columbiana will be a huge hit.

What’s Bad About It?

I don’t trust these filmmakers at all. Besson’s writing is pretty poor, all things considered, and having a director whose main experience is the third Transporter film does not inspire confidence. I’m a little worried about this one.

Our Clever Prediction

It’s being released on the first Friday of September. Not a lot of big movies come out at that time of the year. Since I’m writing this at basically the same time, let’s look at the movies in the theaters. The American, meh. Machete, meh. Takers, argh.

Yeah, this film is going to be mediocre at best.

12 Comments »

  1. g September 5, 2011 at 5:02 pm -

    THE REASON AMERICANS HAVE NEVER SEEN A “BLACK” LATINO PERSON IS BECAUSE THEY DON’T TRAVEL. SOME BLACKS HAVE AFRICAN ANCESTRY AND SOME ARE INDIGENOUS TO THEIR RESPECTIVE LANDS, FOR EXAMPLE THE ISLANDS OF FIGI, AND PAPA NEW GUINEA (YOUTUBE VIDEOS AND GOOGLE PICS OF “PEOPLE OF FIGI AND PAPA NEW GUINEA”)……..GUESS WHAT THESE PEOPLE FROM THESE ISLANDS ARE “BLACK” YET ARE NOT FROM AFRICA, HAVE NEVER BEEN SNATCHED FROM AFRICA TO BE ENSLAVED AND WERE ALREADY WERE IN THEIR RESPECTIVE LANDS BEFORE ANY EUROPEANS GOT THERE.

    NOW UNFORTUNATELY, NARCISSISTIC DESCENDANTS OF COLONISTS FEEL IF THEY FOREFATHERS DIDN’T SNATCH YOU OUT OF AFRICA, THERE’S NO WAY THE PEOPLE COULD HAVE MADE IT OUT OF AFRICA AROUND THE WORLD ON THEIR OWN……

    NO ONE FORCES ANY OTHER LATINO TO MENTION SPAIN EVERY TIME THEY MENTION BEING LATINO, SO WHY DOES ZOE HAVE TO MENTION AFRICA WHEN SHE IS CLEARLY FROM LATIN AMERICA. SHE IS REPRESENTING LATIN AMERICA AND THE MILLIONS THAT LOOK JUST LIKE HER IN LATIN AMERICA. ITS TIME THAT PEOPLE EITHER TRAVEL ABROAD OR SIT BACK AND FINALLY LEARN WHAT THE REST OF THE WORLD LOOKS LIKE.

  2. BEN September 5, 2011 at 5:00 pm -

    REPRESENT LATINOS OF ALL HUES, YOU GO ZOE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    MAKE ‘EM EAT DIRT